No, I am good

On my way back from Delhi to Ahmedabad, I requested the boarding pass official to give me the aisle seat. Putting on his fake smile, the guy gave me the aisle seat… As I went through the security check, the guy checked me thoroughly… if I hadn’t pushed him back, a little … he would have dissected me and checked if my intestines had any explosive in them…

While entering the plane… I could only think about the most obvious – airhostesses … but the cabin crew greeting at the entrance was a male… he kept nodding his head while saying welcome… welcome… welcome… in my mind it registered as.. why come… why come… why come… I reciprocated… Thanks… which was more like a question that elaborates “where are the chicks?”

The window seat was taken up by a stern looking middle-aged man. He didn’t even give a second look to my half-hearted smile… I took my seat… and grabbed the in-flight magazine… and started reading about diamond studded exorbitantly priced cell phones… Before I could read the features the cell phone had… two ladies probably in there late fifties came up to me… and in the most polite form of request one of the lady asked me if I could swap my aisle seat… with a seat behind in the middle… before she completed her sentence… the word “swap” told me the complete story… triggering my memory when numerous number of times I was asked to swap my seat… I probably have swapped MY seat a million times… and by now I had a big problem with the word swap… Why should I? Why I? It brought back many memories from the past… I have swapped my ice-creams because my younger sister/brother didn’t like their flavors and they thought I had a better one… My mind was blaring at the lady asking her… would you like to swap your necklace with my shoelace… or can I swap the beautiful airhostess with my water bottle…

Nooo I said to myself… I was destined for the aisle seat… I won’t swap it… I wanted it AND I got it… with a determined intent I spoke out NO… without looking at her eyes… as if I was committing a crime by turning down her request to interchange seats… While listening to my subdued No she still was pointing to the place where she intended to transfer me … As my eyes followed her finger… next to the seat sat the most beautiful girl on the plane… it only took me a fraction of second to crown her Miss IC 817… This is a typical condition where ego is pitted against the greed… I wanted to the greediest person alive on the earth… But I guess, my No and the indecent behavior was seen and heard by many of the fellow passengers. My thoughts were jammed by all permutation and combinations to resolve the situation that I got myself into… My inner self was persuading me to get up and kiss the old lady on her head … telling her that I was ready to swap and was just joking … Or tell her that I have a rude behavior syndrome that gets activated once in 25 yrs and now I am over it.

Before I could come to the conclusion that took care of my emotional needs and was logical… the middle-aged man sitting near the window seat… volunteered… He VOLUNTEERED to SWAP… I didn’t have a weapon… But I had a pen… which I wanted to poke in his drowsy but lewd eyes… As he passed by I wanted to tangle him and make him experience how it felt lying in passage of plane… but if I had that kind of guts I would have better used it in abducting Miss IC 817 rather than hurting a powerless but shrewd middle-aged man… and this time he even smiled at me…

The two old ladies took their seats… and I could listen to their minds say in synchronization “some people.. uhhh…”. My indecent behavior made my 1 hour something journey look like a decade… I had a different kind of feeling that was a mix of lost opportunity, indecent behavior but a stronger feeling of doing what I wanted to… The No I said to the lady made me feel stronger and more powerful… I have heard people/read self help books taking about importance of saying “No” but for this very moment I had realized… If today SRK walks up to me with his 6 pack asking to swap lives … I know what to tell him… “No, I am good.”

In conversation with the devil

Devil: Hello, I am Devil …

Me: huh

Devil: Actually was passing by to take Mr. Rastogi… your neighbor… he’s completed his quota…

Me: quota???

Devil: life-span

Me: huh

Devil: but he’s still not done with hugging and kissing his two lovely daughters… misri and tiki… he’s asking for more time… they are very cute… 8 & 10 yrs old … you might be knowing both of them…

Me: huh ya ya…

Devil: I have a time table that I have to stick to… if I delay it shows up in my timesheet… and then the management penalizes me… they tell me to bring 5 extra guys… repeated bad performances… and I would get transferred to … Afghanistan, Palestine, Pakistan… where mass killing happens… suicide bombers… gang wars… it’s a pain delivering them in bulk… and each of them wants to talk to their near and dear ones for one last time… they were like years together… and they never talked… and now they want to do it…

Me: So did u give him extra time??? Did you??

Devil: Ya … I had to … I couldn’t see his little daughters cry… and then actually… there are some formalities to be done before I take him... there are two forms black and white… black is for the hell and white is for the heaven… filling up these forms take 10-15 mins… Mr. Rastogi has been a good guy throughout his life… he gets the white one… But I have run out of white forms… actually I don’t carry many of them… most of the guys get the black… there aren’t too many good guys around…

Me: Oh.. ok…. Please sit.. come in…

Devil: No… I am fine … actually u have little less than six hours… once I deliver Mr. Rastogi, next its your turn… can you please fill-up this black form…

Me: BLACK FORM…

Me: And LITTLE less then Six hours… I… I… you… we… check your timesheet … it has to be in the next century… we are in 2007… I don’t want to go… pls don’t take me… i love this place… I want more… I love everyone on this earth… I promise to be happy… help everyone… and be good…

Devil: Sorry… your timesheet says you hate this earth… in fact you have many times screamed at 127 decibels that you don’t want to live … and some of the reasons you have cited are… nobody loves you… you don’t have a steady - steady girl friend… you don’t have enough money… you don’t like your job… and you hate to wait for good things that scarcely happen to u…

Me: I take everything back… please please give me one last chance…

Devil: I will be back in 5 hours 47 mins… you can tell thanks to everyone u want to… no extra time… the most I can do is to lend you my cell phone for next 6 hours… it will allow you to connect with anybody you want to…

After Six hours…

Devil: Hi Dude… ready… lets rock… so how many people did u call…

Me: I couldn’t call anybody… I didn’t have the guts… my parents love me so much… I couldn’t tell them… that this was the last time I was talking with them… and my friends… if I told them they would like… come and kill you… I only called up my insurance agent to check how much… how much money my parents woo-would get… its not much… I wo-woo-would have earned more… fif..if.. I lived… one… chance… last one…

Devil: so I guess you are done…

Me: haan..

Devil: close your eyes… count 5 and open your eyes slowly… it wont be painful... got it…

Me: yaess

Devil: ok start…

Me: where am I… I am still on earth… I am alive… I can breathe… I can blink… I can I can..

Devil: yes my friend… you don’t go anywhere… you live for at least… 63 yrs more… I just wanted you to appreciate life … so that when I come to take you after 63 yrs … you don’t ask for more time… your friends want to join you … you have given all the possible love and respect to you parents, wife and children… neither you call your insurance agent as you have made lots of money… the only one thing you can crib about is the elusive girlfriends… J … and I want you to take the WHITE form…

Devil : and Mr. Rastogi also lives and he now appreciates life as much as you do … don’t worry… Bye take care… see ya…

Me: I want to call…. Where is my cell …

Mr. Conductor has changed

Over this weekend I happened to travel by our very own state transport bus. And let me be upfront that it was not out of choice. As I entered the Bus station I could see the same settings that have been present at least ever since I was born. I could even identify couple of beggars or possibly they haven't changed their designer. Same spit marks, the undergarment billboards signs and our lovely charming bus station staff - they were all there. I was waiting in the queue for my number to come to buy my ticket. While holding the support bars I was slowly but steadily being pushed to the ticket window. While getting pushed I was wondering how physically close we Indians can get. But it still bewilders me to understand the logic behind pushing, as it does little in improving the efficiency of the guy giving the tickets. The uncle behind me in queue looked educated and did very well to understand my glare and stopped pushing for a while. The only thing he assorted to, was a short-lived but effective spank on my butt with the help of his bag.

Ok so when I finally was THERE… Mr. Ticket window guy pointing towards the bus told me to buy the tickets inside the bus… the guy was in grave pain while giving this piece of information, as if I had cut his leg and was asking for the other one to complete my new found hobbies of leg collection. I rushed towards the bus as one never knows when they might take off… to add to my displeasure the bus was empty but had a lone passenger… our eyes locked he said "10 more mins"… he sounded pretty confident… I wonder if he was the head for routes and timing division at the Bus state transport… I knew what I was doing for the next 10 mins… I rushed to my favorite place on the bus-stand …people call it the book stall… My eyes didn't work hard to find MY SECTION… the sleazy sexy vernacular book section… I grabbed couple of the books… so that I could very fast read the preview to the book without buying any of those … and feel happy about the vernacular language's capability to aptly define the THING… was going overboard but managed to get into the bus by now which was considerably occupied.

Taking the window seat… I wrestled with the window to open… Mr. Stranger behind me offered help and was quick to open it… he kind of had developed that expertise… sheepishly I said thanks… The bus took off… and I tried hard to sleep… resting my hands on the handrest, leaning on the window… but gave up soon… I could smell something and this very familiar smell was coming from my hands… and I am sure everyone who has traveled in public transport vehicle gets that smell… the fragrance is of sweat and dust mixed with fillings of iron bars (it has a salty taste if u happen to lick it)… And then arrived Mr. Conductor to give me the shock of my life in the bus … he was carrying a gizmo… electronic ticket generator … I wanted to kiss Mr. Conductor… the state transport had changed… they no longer give piles of tickets … which with my kind of mathematical capabilities would take 10 mins to add… And if I were the conductor I would increase it to 20mins so that I can strike the right balance between center of gravity and mathematics… the electronic ticket generator has opened new set of possibilities… In my heydays I had the fear of being a conductor as I was never a good at academics ... but now I don't think it's a bad profession :)

things are not as bad … it's only the incremental change that we don't appreciate…

Disclaimer

1. The elections are nearing… none of the political parties have sponsored the posting

2. And I am sorry for writing about a public place and not describing the loo

Bench lovers…

We have spent at least one of our most cherished moments on it…I have invariably spent time discussing from what didn’t work in a movie, my latest greatest crush, why some people suck big time to why I love this earth… for me it’s the ultimate symbol of friendship and love (finally in my lifetime I could write a sentence that had love and friendship and didn’t confuse either of us)… From being the back bencher to reducing the bench strength of my company I have a relationship going with it… I know how I will give back to the community… Before I die, I will build a couple of benches where buddies can talk, moan, bitch and bond… Black marble Taj Mahal would have raised some eyebrows but hey guys for now it isn’t financially viable for me (for those of you loving the idea please contribute to Black Taj Mahal fund)… but let me tell you one thing my bench would give Shahjahan run for his money… and for architects and craftsmen u don’t get axed for building it…

Rebirth woes

I have started believing in rebirths... and that’s kind of scary... becoz one of my friends who knows bit about rebirths told me that this was my last birth as a human... It came to me as a shock... I always thought I would do things that i missed out in my next birth... The lone consolation of not performing in this birth too was snatched… guess that’s how life is… at times it takes away chances to relive...

Mindlessness

I know there isn’t a word like that… but it happens to me… wonder if it happens to you too… this is something like a phenomenon wherein the processing delay of the mind gets magnified… and for the most of its part you only know nothing… it can be called as an evil form of meditation… mindlessness often strikes me at office hours… I have started liking it… its like u sitting in front of your computer… looking at it as if you are just to devise the strategy that would change the rules of game… but little people know that you are stuck my mindlessness… post mindlessness your tendencies are of doing things that mean little… I wrote this graph.

Welcome

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