Top Ogling Strategies – Be free as a bird

Disclaimer: these strategies have earlier been performed by trained professionals, don’t try it out in areas where too many people are around… or in an ecosystem where u have little or no control…

• Virtual ogling… mannequin is ur best bet to start from… roam around lingerie showrooms… for real fun try getting salepersons’ job there..
• buy cheap glares and put on those, go to the parking lot of mall, shopping center or near park… Enzoyy
• if ur office environment has good looking chics … let everyone knw that u have a einstine’s thinking syndrome… your positioning àthe syndrome fixates my eyes on a particular object and ther isn’t anything that I see for the next 10 mins… BLACK OUT… don’t disturb me or things around me( build lot of credibility amongst ur peers before u start practicing)
• In quest of gold: make-up a face that is looking for something very important, that was left behind … for eg u are looking for the keys that u left of the table where a group of female are present.. They might even offer an helping hand..
• Colorimeters: go to a library.., ensure u have a pen that keeps falling down at regular intervals…find out the colors…
• goto the top most floor of a mall… and dart ur eyes towards people walking up the elevators.. as if u are expecting a friend any time…
• Running as fast as u can… enter into a women wash room … ur eyes need to be quick… as u enter the wash room… hit ur self… and speak out loud OMG… if u are lucky u hear OMG from the other side as well…don’t repeat the act in the same area twice..
• for this u need a two wheeler.. get besides a car that is driven by someone really sensuous.. stop besides her on every signal light.. watch watch and watch

How to irritate people...

A brief but practical guide to leave people irritated and fuming with frustration!

P.S. - This totally works so keep a weapon for self-protection handy before trying it out!

For Starters:

• Run one lap around the office at top speed
• Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
• Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
• To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head.
• Walk sideways to the photocopier.
• While riding in a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

For those into groove already:

• Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
• Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
• Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
• Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
• Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

For “REAL” Pro’s :

• At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
• Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
• For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
• After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
• While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
• In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
• At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness,I'll never go hungry again."
• In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
• Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
• Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
• Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".
• Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
• Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
• Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
• Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
• During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
• Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

And if that wasn't enough for you here are some examples of insane acts you can use anywhere...

• At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
• Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
• Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."
• Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
• Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
• Don't use any punctuation
• As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
• Ask people what gender they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
• Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
• Sing along at the opera.
• Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
• Put mosquito netting around your work area.
• Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
• Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
• Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
• When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
• When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
  

Danger - Do not, I repeat, DO NOT use with people who are heavier, stronger, or more powerful than you!

taken from http://dotcoy.blogspot.com

No, I am good

On my way back from Delhi to Ahmedabad, I requested the boarding pass official to give me the aisle seat. Putting on his fake smile, the guy gave me the aisle seat… As I went through the security check, the guy checked me thoroughly… if I hadn’t pushed him back, a little … he would have dissected me and checked if my intestines had any explosive in them…

While entering the plane… I could only think about the most obvious – airhostesses … but the cabin crew greeting at the entrance was a male… he kept nodding his head while saying welcome… welcome… welcome… in my mind it registered as.. why come… why come… why come… I reciprocated… Thanks… which was more like a question that elaborates “where are the chicks?”

The window seat was taken up by a stern looking middle-aged man. He didn’t even give a second look to my half-hearted smile… I took my seat… and grabbed the in-flight magazine… and started reading about diamond studded exorbitantly priced cell phones… Before I could read the features the cell phone had… two ladies probably in there late fifties came up to me… and in the most polite form of request one of the lady asked me if I could swap my aisle seat… with a seat behind in the middle… before she completed her sentence… the word “swap” told me the complete story… triggering my memory when numerous number of times I was asked to swap my seat… I probably have swapped MY seat a million times… and by now I had a big problem with the word swap… Why should I? Why I? It brought back many memories from the past… I have swapped my ice-creams because my younger sister/brother didn’t like their flavors and they thought I had a better one… My mind was blaring at the lady asking her… would you like to swap your necklace with my shoelace… or can I swap the beautiful airhostess with my water bottle…

Nooo I said to myself… I was destined for the aisle seat… I won’t swap it… I wanted it AND I got it… with a determined intent I spoke out NO… without looking at her eyes… as if I was committing a crime by turning down her request to interchange seats… While listening to my subdued No she still was pointing to the place where she intended to transfer me … As my eyes followed her finger… next to the seat sat the most beautiful girl on the plane… it only took me a fraction of second to crown her Miss IC 817… This is a typical condition where ego is pitted against the greed… I wanted to the greediest person alive on the earth… But I guess, my No and the indecent behavior was seen and heard by many of the fellow passengers. My thoughts were jammed by all permutation and combinations to resolve the situation that I got myself into… My inner self was persuading me to get up and kiss the old lady on her head … telling her that I was ready to swap and was just joking … Or tell her that I have a rude behavior syndrome that gets activated once in 25 yrs and now I am over it.

Before I could come to the conclusion that took care of my emotional needs and was logical… the middle-aged man sitting near the window seat… volunteered… He VOLUNTEERED to SWAP… I didn’t have a weapon… But I had a pen… which I wanted to poke in his drowsy but lewd eyes… As he passed by I wanted to tangle him and make him experience how it felt lying in passage of plane… but if I had that kind of guts I would have better used it in abducting Miss IC 817 rather than hurting a powerless but shrewd middle-aged man… and this time he even smiled at me…

The two old ladies took their seats… and I could listen to their minds say in synchronization “some people.. uhhh…”. My indecent behavior made my 1 hour something journey look like a decade… I had a different kind of feeling that was a mix of lost opportunity, indecent behavior but a stronger feeling of doing what I wanted to… The No I said to the lady made me feel stronger and more powerful… I have heard people/read self help books taking about importance of saying “No” but for this very moment I had realized… If today SRK walks up to me with his 6 pack asking to swap lives … I know what to tell him… “No, I am good.”